Posted at 4:00 p.m
Élise* is cosmopolitan, polyamorous in theory, but little in practice. Because it is so. Maintenance.
“We don’t have to be able to do everything because we can do everything,” sums up the thirty-year-old without a cell phone (but that’s a completely different topic!) after a good hour and a half of intimacy in a story that was as confused as it was immodest, not always chronological, although strangely didactic.
The young woman made us an appointment at a lovely café in Villeray, which was relatively full on this small Monday morning in June. And rarely, in journalistic memory, have we met someone so relaxed. Disarmingly natural at times, Élise confides in complete transparency without being in any way disturbed by the proximity of other clients: libido, Trip Third, even her female ejaculations, everything is allowed. Without filters or whispers. “We have a prostate! ‘ she even laughs.
Where does this openness come from? No idea. “I have nothing to lose,” she replies simply. I don’t feel like I’m losing anything by what people know about me. »
your first time? “I think I was 18,” she replies thoughtfully. Finally, if by first time we mean: first relationship involving vaginal penetration,” she nuances. And no, it wasn’t “pleasant”. Even quite painful. “But over time it got better. »
The relationship with this first online lover (“and all my buddies, that was it: internet dating”) lasted three years. To relax and get over the pain, Élise stimulates herself at the same time, she recalls. “And I’ve kept that habit. The whole time… ”
Then, in her early twenties, after a few “explorations,” “hugs,” but never any further (“I’ve never had a full relationship with people I wasn’t officially in a relationship with”), she meets a new lover, a physically disabled man in a wheelchair, with whom she falls madly in love. “I had a crush! The story lasts two years.
In bed ? “We have adapted! She laughs. “We couldn’t have gotten up, shall we say. She doesn’t address the issue. Because it is above all the looks of others that she remembers. “It was really uncomfortable. So we didn’t go out much…”
When the story ends, Élise is “devastated” in her mid-twenties. “I was screaming the whole time. I was obsessed with the idea of coming back with him. »
And then a twist. Barely a few months later, Élise met her current “life partner”. It was 10 years ago.
She’s yet to say a word about her famous polyamorous side, but we suspect she’s finally getting there. “My boyfriend knew I had that on my resume,” she slips in suddenly. Oh good ? Because she didn’t tell us everything.
Permit me a digression: In fact, in the early twenties, in her exploratory phase, Élise had a relationship with a man in an open relationship. A “sensual sexual” relationship, with no penetration (because Élise doesn’t go “to the end” when she’s not in a relationship, as we said), not genital at all, but no less intimate. The guy in question was therefore in a relationship (his girlfriend “ben chill” was pregnant at the time, they’re still together, three kids later) and their exploration was more “ideological” than practical, we understand. Kisses and hugs included. “I’ve read a lot about the relationship hierarchy, the compression (the opposite of jealousy) […] And in the polyamorous structure, I was part of one polykele “, she explains. End of bracket.
However, her current spouse (her husband and also the father of her children) was aware of this past experience.
I have no problem being with the same person my whole life, but when we fall in love with someone else I want us to be able to arrange something around that reality.
Elise, 37 years old
Example ? “For me, an emotion for someone else doesn’t mean the end of the relationship. »
And where does this openness come from? “I don’t know,” the young woman said, shrugging. I don’t like binary and cut stuff. It was always clear to me that it wasn’t just about serial monogamy. »
So one day, a few months before her wedding, she “lent” her lover to a friend. Laughing, she tells of the adventure. “They wanted me to stay in the room,” she said, smiling. Yes, it was really weird. But no, she wasn’t jealous. “Zero,” she insists. “And I’m happy to see that I have that in me compression. I’d much rather go somewhere safe with this friend than any other guy. »
We’ll spare you the details, but her husband developed a relationship with the girl in question for a few months. They made one too Trip three with Elise. Results ? We won’t really know. “Fun,” she says simply. Our interlocutor, for her part, experienced something with a long-time friend. “We were in a romantic relationship, she says, but I don’t think I ever kissed him. I don’t really like kissing! »
All of this ended when Élise became pregnant in recent years. Better twice than once. Also, no, she hasn’t seen her libido go down with her pregnancies. On the other hand. ” Not me. ”
We see that through all these stories, the young wife ultimately told us very little about her intimacy with her husband. “Things are going well! Real, really good,” she replies, supporting examples of female ejaculation. “I’m feeling more and more things physically, and so is he! »
Admittedly, with her young children, spontaneity was a bit on the limit. And she’s also not sure if she wants to experience polyamory again. “My enthusiasm wanes quickly,” she notes. Even if I have a chance, I probably won’t go back there. »
When I think about it, Élise ends up seeing herself as a “relational anarchist”: “That might suit me too,” she says, explaining these different concepts to us with a clear effort at clarity. “We adapt what we already have to the needs of each individual. And it fluctuates over time. »
Moral? Yes, she’s open-minded, “but you don’t have to explore everything,” she emphasizes. “It’s not cut with a knife: monogamists have long and clever relationships. And the others are spoiled mad! »
*Fictitious first names to protect anonymity.